An Owed Apology

Rahsaan let out a huff into the damp, cool air. Everyone else was setting up their things for the evening, but he had stepped a short distance away. He had lived for years sleeping on his own clothing, and he wasn't about to waste time rolling out padding or setting up equipment he didn't need. Despite his efforts to coax Izek out of his gloomy daze, he couldn't get anything out of the former captain outside a grunt or shake of his head. He soon realized his attempts to try and comfort his brother were hollow, as his own heart was weighed down from what had happened that day.

What am I supposed to say? He thought to himself,  'You did not screw up as much as I did?' You were cursed by Strahd! What was my excuse?

What he needed right now was to get out of his own head.

He saw Aspen sorting out her new ammunition purchased from the shop, and stepped closer, his expression dour but forced a smile as he said, "So, nice things we got, huh? At least . ."

His expression trembled before he blurted,  "I cannot just beat around this. I did not give you Ezra's disguise because I thought your voice was better suited, though you played the part spectacularly. It was because I was too afraid to do it myself. The blow from Strahd should have been for me. I should have followed through on Lyn's plan, but I did not and you had to take the fall. I am sorry and I know that does not change anything but I wanted you to know I am sorry."

Aspen looked up from her new arrows and was about to respond when her friend plowed through.

Her face soured at his confession.

"You're right..."

She let that sit for a beat, her face hard.

"and you're wrong," she added with a wink.

"It was not very brave of you to put me in the direct line of fire. You know it's not my primary mode of operation to be out in the open like that. However, because you put me in that position, I had the opportunity to help free Mercurion from Strahd's grasp and draw Strahd's attention away from the rest of you to buy you all some time to figure out what to do next."

Though completely healed, she could still remember the pain vividly.

"Don't get me wrong. It hurt like hell to take a direct attack from Strahd, but how many people can say they were attacked by him and lived to tell about it?" she asked with a gleam in her eye.

"Also, I feel like I may have some residual influence over Mercurion after impersonating his goddess for a brief moment," she added with a laugh.

Rahsaan seemed caught off-gaurd by the Tabaxi's resonse, blinking a few times before he said,  "I . . . then I am glad you are not too angry with me."

His shoulders then drooped,  "I want to say that this was just an unusual case, but that is a lie.  All the times flying around while glowing- that was not me. That was all Voriel. I hide behind Mercurion or Gohzrik during all of these fights. I wait for them to engage and then I just try get in a few hits when the enemy is distracted. I want to stop doing that, be someone that you all can depend on. I want to learn to look after others, not just me while pretending I am."

He looked back to her equipment, and then back at Aspen, "So I guess I am asking, how did you learn to be so courageous?"

"Not too angry," she says with a smirk.

When Rahsaan opens up to Aspen, her first instinct is to be hard on him. But then she remembers that that was the life he came from, people who were never kind, always harsh. Her eyes soften and she leans in toward him.

"Hey. We're all scared as shit when we face the stuff we've been facing. Some of us just hide it better than others. The only way you learn to be courageous is by letting yourself end up in dangerous situations. If you never face danger, you never develop courage because you never need courage. Doesn't take much courage to sit around in your fancy mansion throwing people into prison for stupid reasons. Do courageous people get hurt? All the time. Do courageous people die? Absolutely."

"As far as looking after other people is concerned, you have to learn to care about them. You learn to care about people as you share experiences, as you discuss past experiences, and as you make an effort to get to know one another."

The Tabaxi paused and looked her friend square in the face.

"Do you care about me, Rahsaan?"

"Sure I do." He said a little too fast, "I mean, we would not be having this conversation if I did not, right? If I did not care about how you felt, I would not bother to ask."

His tone overflowed with uncertainty. Still downtodden he said,

"On the streets, you did not know where the next meal would come from. What kind of thugs or other nasty people would decide to raid your alley that night. My friends and I worked together, but we were still mostly looked after ourselves. We just happened to share what we could steal or scavenge, and if someone did not bear their load, we kicked them out of the group. And we certainly did not help one another if they did manage to get caught. The bond between us did not run any deeper than the bread or cheese we ate."

He shook his head to clear it, "I guess I have not changed my way of thinking. When it gets dangerous, I still put my needs before anyone else's, but instead of making away with a loaf, I let someone else get hurt in my stead. I value just surviving above all else."

With a bit a realization he added, "But what good is that if I do not do anything with the life I am trying to preserve?"

Aspen sighs.

"Look, Rahsaan. At the end of the day, I think we all hope to survive to see the next day, doing everything in our power to make that happen. Self-preservation doesn't make you a bad person."

She gestures at the hazy skies around them.

"But our group isn't simply interested in survival, where we'll sleep, where our next meal will come from. We are together for a purpose that is much greater than just surviving and that purpose has to take precedence over everything else."

She stands and begins pacing, her tail swaying back and forth as she goes.

"If our purpose was to survive to see another day, we wouldn't be hunting down Strahd. We would be finding a nice little village to settle down in where we'd mind our own damn business until we die of old age or something else."

She stops right in front of Rahsaan, making intentional eye contact.

"But survival isn't enough for the rest of us and it isn't enough for you either."

Pause for effect.

"If it were, you would've already found some hole to bury yourself in to keep yourself safe from anyone who would try to hurt you. But you haven't. You're here with us now."

She threw up her hands in defense.

"Hey, if I'm wrong, I'm sure you could hole up with the dwarves for now and then go find somewhere else to live our your days. No one is forcing you to stay."

The Tabaxi inhales then exhales slowly.

"But you said it yourself. What good is preserving your life if you do not do anything with it? Only you can answer that question for yourself."

Rahsaan thought over Aspen's advice, but when she brought up finding a safe place and staying there he said,  "I did not exactly thrive on the streets. When I was not actively being threatening by beggars bigger than me, running from the guards, or being mocked by the nobles, I still felt like I was wasting my life. That I was meant for more than just swiping wallets and clothes hung out to dry. But every time the going got tough,  I ran, hid or usually both."

"I know what I want- I want to make sure that whether it is Nova Vaasa, Barovia, or wherever we find ourselves the land is free from cruel leaders and those who oppress the weak."

He paused, thoughtfully, "And maybe learn how to read."

"But I can say what I want all day. The how is what I am struggling with, and really how to stop giving into instinct before I let someone else die again."

Aspen placed a hand firmly on Rahsaan's shoulder.

"Remember what you want and fight for that. Every day you wake up, remind yourself that you are a man who will fight leaders who oppress the weak! You will no longer cower in fear. Fear is a cruel leader who tries to oppress you, so fight your fear. Personify your fear and visualize yourself destroying it daily, hourly, even moment by moment if necessary."

The Tabaxi paused her grand speech, released his shoulder, and turned away from him, looking up into the dark sky.

"My father died at the hands of a cruel, oppressive, evil leader. Everytime I fight to save someone else, I see my father in them."

She inhaled deeply and wiped a tear from her eyes.

"When we rescued the prisoners from Villaki, my heart soared because I felt as though I had rescued my father, but when they did not survive..."

Her shoulders shook and her voice cracked.

"It felt as if I'd let my father die again..."

Clearing her voice, she turned back to him.

"My point in saying all this is that I am fueled by making it personal. If you can find a way to make your fight personal and bigger than yourself, perhaps then you can push past the fear. I was too afraid to help my father and he died because of me."

Her feline eyes flashed with a fierceness Rahsaan had never seen.

"I will not let that happen again."

Rahsaan thought carefully about what the Tabaxi explained. "So you fight to make sure that horrible situation did not happen again. What I have done was just make sure I try to avoid the situation in the first place, and shut it out and ignore it if it does happen."

What am I so afraid of? He asked himself.  

If he was already disappointed in himself by wasting his life, than why was he so afraid of dying, especially to the point where he would allow others to fall first? He couldn't be afraid of losing his friends if he was so willing to throw them under the wagon. No, there was more to it than that.

"I am afraid of failing." Rahsaan said, really thinking over his life. "If there is something hard, I let Voriel decide or do it himself. Or I let someone else take the risk revealing Ireena's hiding place to Strahd. That way, I did not fail- someone else it.  I never take risks myself,  I just wait for an opportunity to open up and take it if it is easy."

He said,  "I do not have a family lineage to be proud of, I do not own anything of worth, I have not done anything noteworthy outside of angering Lawgiver clerics. . . If I am seen as a failure, than what do I have?"

The Tabaxi crossed her arms and narrowed her dark green eyes.

"The truth is, Rahsaan, if you keep putting others in harm's way to save yourself, pretty soon there won't be anyone left to protect you, either because they all left you or they all died."

She uncrossed her arms and shrugged.

"What you view as a safety plan could be quick to backfire on you if you're not careful. It's time to start showing others what you're capable of."

Rahsaan’s demeanor soured further at Aspen’s latest reply. But it was the truth. If he became any sort of liability, than what reason would any of his friends have to keep him? It was not as if they were all starving and needing someone fast to try and outrun the guards. Or someone tall who could reach keys that hung out of reach of a small child.

And he could not just rely on Voriel. He needed to answer what was Rahsaan capable of? He needed to care more than just what the angel asked of him, and he needed to think of more than himself.  

He bowed to the Tabaxi, his voice notably more excited,  “Tell you what. I am going to practice what you have told me. I will  start by making sure the next monster that harms us will have hell to pay. I promise this. I will be on the front lines taking the hits for someone else. I will not endanger others but instead keep them safe.”

He shrugs, though his tone lost its enthusiasm as he said,  “And if it goes badly for me, at least I will be remembered for something other than a cowardly urchin.”